At this point I have seen The Hobbit twice. While it doesn’t seem to me to be all that accurate to the book, I’m still enjoying it quite a bit. Of my three major complaints, two are really very minor. (Kili needs more beard, and why the hell is Thranduil riding a moose?)
Since there is a goblin king in this movie, this led my friends and I to discuss how we would have preferred Jareth, especially since David Bowie had tried out for the part of Elrond in The Fellowship of the Ring. (While I think he probably could have been a good Elrond, I think Hugo Weaving is probably even better.) This, in turn, led one of us (not me) to make this animated GIF:
Don’t worry, there are no movie spoilers in it. It only cycles once, and the timing on the text frames is intentionally long to make sure there’s enough time to read them.
While driving we started joking about a Hobbit parody to Dance Magic from Labyrinth. It had to be written. Actually, it more or less wrote itself.
Please imagine Elrond singing this with a backup chorus of dwarves while dancing and kicking Hobbits.
This reminds me of the Ring.
What Ring?
The Ring of Power.
What power?
The power of ruling.
Puling?*
Ruling!
Say what?
This reminds me of the Ring!
I saw a Gollum cryin’ hard as he could cry.
What could he do?
His Precious long had gone and left poor Gollum blue!
Nobody knew!
Who took the Precious far from you?
Orcs or Dwarves?
Or maybe Horse-lords?
Elveses or Halflings?
And Gollum said: “Shire! Baggins!”
Run, Baggins, run!
Jump, Baggins, jump!
Get that magic Ring today!
Grab that Baggins, make him pay!
I saw a Dwarf-prince tryin’ hard as he could try.
What should he do?
His people’s home was gone and left poor Thorin blue!
Nobody knew!
How will you get revenge today?
Axe or sword?
Or a garrotte cord?
Fire or magic?
And Thorin said: “…”**
Run, dragon, run!
Jump, dragon, jump!
Win your kingdom back today!
Kill that dragon, make him pay!
*to cry plaintively; whimper
**I consulted many nerds, and none of us could think of something characteristically Thorin that he could say in four or five syllables max. So he remains stoically silent. If you have an idea, please let me know.
I wanted it to be “the power to conquer,” but do you know what rhymes with conquer? Yonker. I don’t see any scenario in which that works.
December 24, 2012
The Plethoric Polymath
11 responses to “Of Goblin Kings”
Michelle Proulx
December 24th, 2012 at 08:35
You must record this song so that I can buy it and listen to it always.
The Plethoric Polymath
December 24th, 2012 at 08:56
I would LOVE to record this. Even better, I would love to make a music video out of it. But while my singing voice isn’t so bad it shatters glass or anything, it’s still not nearly good enough that anyone would want to listen to it.
Maybe I should find someone on YouTube who has such talents and start wheedling…
Michelle Proulx
December 24th, 2012 at 09:09
Do it! There are tons of Youtubers who could pull this off. And you would obviously take all the credit for the lyrics. You could be the next Youtube sensation! Sort of!
dmbraley
December 28th, 2012 at 19:41
I would offer to sing it for you, my voice is decent, but I would fear the inevitable comparisons to Bowie… which would be very unfavorable.
The Plethoric Polymath
December 31st, 2012 at 11:18
We’ll slap my supermullet wig and one of my circlets on you, it’ll be awesome. (No, I won’t actually force you to record it for me. But I may make you try on the wig and circlet just for fun.)
dmbraley
January 9th, 2013 at 22:30
LOL I would record it
EriChanHime
December 29th, 2012 at 13:36
Every time I read that second verse, I hear Thorin say, “Dagnabbit.” I realize it does not fit the context in any way, but it makes me giggle.
(Also, in defense of Kili, despite the fact that it is hilarious to think of him as a dwarf with a tragic, genetic beard growing problem, he is in fact just very young. Stills from later in production seem to show a fuller beard, so I’m just going with the idea that he only recently started growing it, and it’ll take a while to reach a respectable fullness).
The Plethoric Polymath
December 31st, 2012 at 11:17
Pish-tosh. “Just started growing it” is synonymous with “was just born” for Dwarves, isn’t it? I’ll bet that scallywag has been shaving when no one’s looking because he fancies lady Elves.
EriChanHime
January 4th, 2013 at 10:16
I actually read a commenter on TORn who thinks he has no beard because he’s going through the Dwarf equivalent of a rebellious period. I thought that was amusing. In order to actually attract female elves, though, he’d probably have to wax practically everything he’s got. Unless she’s got human in her, too, because as Arwen proved, they have no standards…
Also, do we know if Dwarven youth are allowed to grow beards? Not if they can or not, but if it’s something you’re only allowed once you’ve passed random adulthood rites or something? I’d like to imagine it involves killing something with only your teeth…
The Plethoric Polymath
January 4th, 2013 at 20:22
I was going to say that Dwarves not being allowed to grow beards makes no sense at all until I got to the last part of your comment.
Of course! Obviously Kili is undertaking the grueling Felagund Memorial Rite of Passage. I had nearly forgotten about it as it is not spoken of much outside Dwarvish circles. In this undertaking, young Dwarves attempt to emulate the beloved Dwarf-friend by slaying something fierce with only their bare hands and teeth, while beardless.
Surely this is why Kili is jumping at the chance to fight Smaug.
EriChanHime
January 7th, 2013 at 09:03
Clearly. Glad we cleared that up for him, thus saving his Dwarvish reputation.